Who are you?

I am up way past my bedtime outside in the cold on my beloved porch, contemplating this very question.

Who am I?

For so many years, I had no idea, or so I thought. In reality, I didn’t put much thought into it because I was drowning in the responsibility of motherhood. I was smothered under the control of another person with no real purpose but to be a domestic servant. Trying desperately to find my ground only to be pushed further and further away from myself. 

I struggled to be something other than the limits placed around me, caged from my authenticity, and when I would fight to find my place, I was kept small. 

These past years, I have emerged into a new version. A version that is sometimes uncomfortable, sometimes empowering, and most of the time terrifying. The funny thing is I know exactly who I am. Frankly, I always have… my challenge was that I was programmed to be the person everyone else needed, a version of myself that was obedient to the expectations placed, a woman so desperate to be viewed as a “good girl” that I lost any sense of my identity. 

So, who am I?

I am an ever-changing woman who is both hopeful and skeptical—a woman with deep wounds but a soft heart. I am curious, whimsical, often stubborn, and always tenacious. I am also a mother, daughter, sister, lover, and friend. I am fierce and, when pushed, even cruel. I am deeply sensitive, empathetic, and honest to a fault. I am a fighter, a survivor, and a woman who believes in the magic of the stars.

See, we are all different layers and versions of ourselves, everchanging, everflowing, and never stagnant. As we continue our journey, we are living, learning, and finding new meanings of life as we evolve through the years. 

I encourage you to write a letter to your younger self, letting that little girl or boy who lives deep within know they will be okay. Below is mine~

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Little girl, you don’t have to be good to be worthy. You just are. I know you are scared and confused, but one day, you will have the courage to be the complicated soul you are meant to be. There are no gold stars for being a people pleaser, only resentment that grows deep. 

You are enough. You always have been. 

Striving for perfection that you will never obtain will leave you exhausted. Rest, little lady. It is okay to rest. You are going to set the world on fire not by igniting everyone else’s dream but by pursuing your own. It is not your responsibility to make people happy, especially not at the expense of your own. You no longer have to be afraid to fly; the wings that were clipped off of you have miraculously grown back. Now, with the knowledge of not allowing someone to be handed the scissors to clip your wings, you will never have to worry about that again. So breathe easy now. You took back your control. You grew. You found solace within yourself. 

You don’t need to be afraid to disappoint anyone but yourself. You are enough, dear child. Don’t be scared to show yourself to others. Not everyone is out to hurt you. Let the scars on your heart heal, let your mind run free from the past, and let your soul rest.

If you get lost again, know that the warrior within you is there. Search for her; she is strong and intelligent and will lead you to the light. You know better now than to abandon yourself. Trust yourself that your knowing is enough.

Life isn’t about the answers but about the questions. The questions are, what makes life magical. The seeking for answers is what makes life interesting. But the knowing, oh, the knowing, is what makes you unique. You no longer have to ignore your knowledge.

Trust your gut. It’s always right. Celebrate your independence and your newfound identity and know the story in your head is bullshit that was placed there by insecurity, not reality. Everything that has happened to you has led you to the place where you have arrived, and darling, you have arrived. Don’t apologize for your self-expression, don’t suppress your truth, and don’t make excuses for the inexcusable. It’s not your burden to carry. So let it go. 

Keep dreaming, keep being, and never abandon yourself again. You know better now. You have emerged from the depth of darkness and still ferociously show your light. Keep shining that light because that light is what sets your soul on fire. ~dlm